I wrote previously about Hiking Humphrey’s Peak with Howard, My Brain Tumor. Little did I know at that time that my world would be turned upside down on another hike, just a few months later.
Early this summer I found out I had a brain tumor. I named him Howard, and against doctor’s orders took him for a long hike up a big hill—Humphrey’s Peak, Flagstaff, Arizona. Together we watched the most amazing sunrise I’ve ever seen.
After seeing the neurosurgeon, I read a lot of books, watched a lot of movies, listened to a lot of songs, all of which led me to changing almost everything about my life. I tried to meditate (not my thing), I changed my diet completely, and spent much more time outdoors, hiked more, made new friends, and let go of most things that caused me stress and anxiety. I was happy, felt strong and healthy, but I was tired–actually exhausted. I didn’t understand it, and I couldn’t explain the level of fatigue.
Three months later on September 18th I had a follow up MRI to see if there was any change. Because it was early in the morning, I missed my hike that day, so later that day I made dinner for the family, and as soon as my husband, Ron, got home I left to go hike Piestewa Peak. It’s my go-to hike when I have a lot of anxiety, because somewhere near the top it gets hard enough that I can’t think of anything else except conquering that beast. I figured I would wear off the anxiety Howard was causing me.
That was where my world turned upside down. I wouldn’t have to wait a week to find out the results of the MRI…doctors would see them in the ER when I arrived by ambulance after having seizures on the mountain. Diagnosis: Glioblastoma Grade 4. Prognosis: terminal. Life Expectancy: 8-12 months.
On the last day of 2019 I had my first follow-up MRI after having brain surgery, doing radiation and chemo, and restarting chemo again. It would be a week before I would get the results of that MRI. I asked Ron if he would take me to Piestewa again after my scan. I knew I would not able to hike it, but I needed to at least pull into the parking lot, cross over the bridge, and feel the trail underneath my feet. It was a step toward healing. I really want to conquer that beast again. I’m not sure if I will, but I no longer have the fear of facing it. A friend hiked up last week and shared the top with me on a live video chat. That’s the first time I was able to look at pictures from up there and enjoy them.
What are we celebrating this week? My scan showed Howard has left the building. My oncologist was just as quick to remind me that does not mean I’m cured–Howard’s remnants are left behind and unable to be seen on scans, and I will not survive this. Meantime, I know I have some good days ahead of me. And the best way I can think to spend those days is to live, love, and laugh!
This journey has taught me to love your life, love yourself, love others, find gratitude every day, celebrate big things and little things, tell people you love them, be kind to each other, and be the best human you can be!
Ribbons of love from my heart to yours, Pam
