I rolled out of bed at 4 o’clock a.m. today, as I always do, went about my usual routine, then headed out for a sunrise hike. I was tired and sore after hiking Mt. Elden yesterday, the first hike for me in the Arizona Six Pack of Peaks summer series. Mount Elden is about a six mile round trip hike, rising about 2500 feet to an elevation of 9282 feet. Read my review here.

After my hike this morning, with just a little over an hour to get my girls ready for their day program, I hit the ground running as soon as I got home. Ron had already bathed, dressed and medicated Melissa, and I just needed to bathe Hannah, make breakfast and feed both girls, take care of their hygiene needs, make lunches, and get their backpacks filled for the day. As their van pulled away, I took a deep breath. It was another successful morning routine completed.

Now it was on to straightening up the kitchen, checking emails, and answering morning texts. Check. Check. Check.

I then headed to my bedroom, slipped under my covers and let the dogs cuddle up beside me. This is not my usual elevated-mood-exercise-induced morning mood after a good hike. But, today was not normal. Almost immediately the thoughts in my head started racing–this is not what you should be doing. Don’t give into the temptation to relax. Get up. Be productive. Do something. Girl, you are laying in bed after hiking. At least go get a shower.

Being the ever-so-good-listener, I got up, threw the sheets in the washer, and sat in a puddle of self-pity for a moment. I was feeling stuck, trapped, and in need of something I couldn’t identify. Maybe it’s the cloudy day. Perhaps it’s just the Monday after a good weekend and time away with Ron, or it could be the injury that has left me inactive for the last month. Maybe it’s depression.

No, it’s this routine!

Have I ever mentioned how much I despise routine, even though my life requires it almost constantly? Perhaps my wandering spirit gave you a clue. I could be the poster child (or old lady) for spontaneity, spur-of-the-moment outings, and that friend who always says yes to the question, do you want to go with?

But desire and reality are worlds apart. If I’ve learned anything from being a parent it’s that spontaniety is for the young, childless, free-spirits of the world. Not for an aging, forever-parent of children that require full-time care and attention.

I found myself hustling my way to my computer to google “aging and in need of change,” which provided me with useless crap about nutrition and housing for the elderly. It was not what I was looking for, although not actually crap. I’m sure that’s useful information for someone else. And, please, stop referring to me as elderly. Thanks.

I changed up the google search to “aging and in need of growth,” which yielded mostly info on growth hormones and aging. Next search, “aging and in need of freedom.” Wrong again. Next search, “aging with special needs children.” Hmm, interesting stuff there. I’m going to read through it. Once again, not what I’m looking for.

I am looking for freedom, growth, change–all of the things I searched for, but with an aging body and mind (which are both still working well). You know, the same stuff everyone wants, no matter their age.

I want a step-by-step instruction booklet, a how-to be-everything-you’ve-dreamed-of in your aging body, and still be there for those who depend on, and need you.

No one told me aging would be so hard. Not because I am getting older. That part is not really difficult. I actually like being an older woman. There is a new-found freedom that younger women will only realize when they get to this point. Women in your prime (those of you between 18 and 35 years of age) getting older is not as bad as you think.

You may not turn the head of every man you pass on the street, your skin will wrinkle in places you never dreamed possible, your boobs will start resting in places they only cast shadows previously, hair may thin a little, and periods cease to exist (can we a hell yes, finally?!).

These are all the things that don’t matter anyway. They are what we previously tried to get society to look past so they would notice all our other strengths and gifts we bring to the world. You can’t prepare for this time in life, but you can welcome it as a new friend when the time arrives. You’ll cherish your female friends more than ever before. Small talk will become less important and you’ll find yourself seeking honest, open, meaningful, and heartfelt conversations.

As an aging woman who is still full-time and forever-mothering, adult children who have all the needs of infants and toddlers, I have yet to find knowledgable advice from relatable women. It’s completely up to me to create freedom, growth and change, and a life that will make me happy. If I don’t make changes I will be forever stuck in this endless loop playing on repeat in my own head.

Today I recognized an old pattern of thought and made an effort to change the way my day was going to end.

Freedom

Freedom is going to look different for everyone. I am not going to be able to sell my home, buy a van, and live the full-time van life I desire. Yes, this is my actual dream. You don’t have to be a twenty-something to think that would be an amazing, fun, adventurous life! Driving to amazing places, hiking big mountains, walking on the beach in a different city, standing under a waterfall and sitting around a campfire at night would absolutely make me ecstatic.

Although I may not be able to live the full-time van life I can buy the van. I can design it for our needs. I can use it for short get-aways, day-trips, or a long weekend, when I’m able to get respite care for my children. That will be enough to let me wander, gather myself, have time alone with Ron, and come back refreshed and able to be the caregiver I need to and want to be.

What is your dream, and how can you modify it to make it become your reality?

Growth

I want to continue to grow as a person. It’s been said that, we don’t stop playing because we get old; we grow old because we stop playing. Continue to play, grow, change, and expand yourself in the world. This began to happen for me the day I changed my perspective.

I used to feel I had to stay at home and care for the children and home one hundred percent of the time. It was lonely, boring, and hard! Housework can wait. Life cannot.

Getting out, growing, playing, and learning have led me to being more present wherever I am, at home or away. I have taken classes on topics I enjoy; photography, writing, interior design, and other creative endeavors. I’ve learned and practiced healing arts and energy work, visited places I didn’t understand, and people-watched in places unfamiliar to me. All of these have led to growth in some way, either creatively, culturally, or spiritually.

In what ways have you wanted to grow or what has been calling to you? How can you make that happen? If you are unable to leave your home almost anything and everything you desire to learn can be found online. No matter your budget there is something on your dream list that is offered inexpensively or free. Give yourself the gift of caring enough about you to turn your desires into reality.

Change

Change. I am a person who thrives on, and craves change, almost constantly. I spent a lot of hours in a mind-numbing hell of wishing I could change things about my life. I thought about it constantly. I dwelled in the pathetic life-loathing space of trying to dig myself out of this life I had created. I depressed myself. I depressed other people. I could have changed it years earlier, but failed to realize I had the power all along.

Please take my advice and save yourself years of hating your life. If there is something you hate about your life change it. Get out of your head and start thinking differently.

If you are not clinically depressed (please read disclaimer below) there are simple things you can do to help yourself. For me it meant taking action and changing my perspective both literally and figuratively.

First, do SOMETHING. It doesn’t have to be something big and bold and life changing. The first step may seem like you’re just jumping on your bicycle to ride around the neighborhood. That was what I thought. I had no idea that simple bike ride would lead me to hiking the biggest mountains in my state, or competing to hike 2000 miles and climb over 200,000 feet in a year.

I wasn’t seeking anything. I didn’t know I craved the sunrise, or the dirt under my feet, or solitude, or an author reading to me while I got lost in the wild. I had no idea. I simply got on my bicycle and went for a ride. Then I did it again the next day, having no idea I was doing anything more than going for a bike ride. But, here I am four years later a new person.

It literally took me three years to figure out I had actually done something that changed my life. In the meantime I was still doing other things, and who knows where they will lead? I was trying to write, I was taking pictures, I was renovating my home, I was meeting friends at coffee shops. I love all of these things, which is why I did them, but I had no intention of them changing my life. But, they all did. Some of my creative endeavors led to deep soul searching. Others were simply fun and I enjoyed the outcome, like redesigning my entire home.

I am still doing something new when the opportunity presents itself, or seek it when I realize I’m craving something new. The thing is to just do something. It may not be THE thing that will change your life, but it may be the thing that got you through today, and made you feel content, or happy, or peace-filled at the end of the day.

Today I recognized that I needed to do something. Just something small. I allowed myself a day of rest, and snuggled with my dogs for awhile before I moved on with my day.

We can all have freedom, growth, and change. It’s going to look different for everyone because we all have different dreams. Let’s support each other in those dreams, and encourage each other to achieve them. I hope in the near future I’m going to be sharing our van life with you. For now it’s a dream that I am working on becoming a reality. What are you dreaming of achieving?

It’s all about perspective,
Pam

Disclaimer: I am not qualified to give advice about depression. Depression is real. If you need help, please seek it. You may not be able to get yourself out of that place alone. Counseling and medication are necessary for many people, and it shows great strength to reach out and ask for help. I encourage you and I hold space for you while you heal.