We all have shadows, secrets, real-life junk that we don’t talk about or share–the dark or shadow side of our lives. Today I’m seeing the shadow side as something that merely exists. It’s a part of us that we accept, but hope to change, and find ways to turn into a lighter aspect of life. As part of my journey here, I am going to share some of my own dark places, and how I’ve used them to gain strength and new perspective.

Raising children with developmental disabilities gets us attention (unsolicited and often unfavorable). Many people have asked me, “how do you do it?” or say “I could never do what you’re doing”. Brazen individuals have voiced their opinion, and placed my husband, Ron, and I in one of two categories: (1) saints or (2) crazy. I prefer neither.

I believe all our experiences boil down to how we approach life and each situation, how we feel and think, and who and what we draw into our lives — basically our choices, outlook and attitude. We can look at everything as positive or negative, happy or sad, or any other range of thoughts, feelings and emotions, good bad or indifferent. 

I can’t avoid the real-life stuff. None of us can. But, the truth is I’d rather not deal with it sometimes (thus officially removing the title of Saint). The partial list includes doing every day things for my adult children such as bathing, dressing and diapering, preparing food, feeding and cleaning up, while at the same time teaching them, still (in their thirties), to do it for themselves. Other “stuff” includes arranging schedules, setting up therapies (physical, occupational, speech, etc) as well as participating in, and carrying out, the therapies in the absence of the therapist. Also there are doctor appointments, choosing day programming, making sure service plans are being carried out, and lifting Melissa who weighs about ten pounds less than me. One of the things that is most frustrating is the lack of privacy in our lives due to the ongoing presence of so-called professionals from a variety of agencies, checking in on our progress (or the lack thereof).

Then there’s the tough stuff; such as dealing with the fact that some of my children have been abused or neglected and their perpetrators walk free. Forgiveness falls under this category, and is the toughest of tough things. Also, there are the scarier moments, those that very well could be life or death situations, such as seizures that come one after the other, surgeries, and various other emergency or medical conditions. There are things like not understanding what my children are trying to express, advocating, and determining what is in their best interest.

One of the tougher arenas we are moving into is becoming aging parents and still having adult children at home that need as much attention and care as infants or toddlers. We are watching friends our age become empty-nesters, enjoying their new found freedom, being able to explore their interests freely, as their children grow up and move on. They come and go as they please, take extended vacations, classes for fun, sleep in late, take up a new hobby, read when they wish, or go out to dinner or an event—perhaps even on the-spur-of-the-moment. Ah, yes, I vaguely recall that feeling of being spontaneous. The serious side of this category is wondering what will become of our children when we are no longer alive or are unable to fulfill our role.

Some of the most challenging things fall into the category of dealing with our children’s behaviors. Here’s a news flash—there’s no manual for this, and what works for one may not work for another! Also what works one day may not work the next. I don’t like this category at all. First of all, it comes with judgment and advice, many times from well-meaning friends, family, acquaintances or strangers. It’s often delivered in the form of “my child would never do that,” or “if you had given your child more attention earlier in life they would be well behaved,” or “that child just needs discipline.”

I have made it a goal to never give unsolicited parenting advice. Every family and child is different, parenting styles vary tremendously, and all kinds of different styles work. I don’t know their history or their family dynamics. It’s not my place to jump in and tell them how to do it “right.” I wish others had this same intention.

Putting aside what others think of us, the reality is that we have an opportunity to teach others about unconditional love, compassion, acceptance and the value of each and every human being. We also have an opportunity to help our children use their potential as best they can, at home, and in the community. I suspect this objective takes a lifetime to realize.

Ron and I made a decision years ago to raise children with special needs, not fully realizing what we were jumping into. It would mean me giving up my career goals and living on one income as I would be a stay-at-home mom. It has been a journey that has been joyful, fulfilling, exciting, rewarding and uplifting, but also has been challenging, difficult, frustrating and lonely.

I’m beyond thinking daily of the things I don’t like, these things I’ve mentioned, and more, are here to give you a peek into our daily life. Some days the realities, shadows, and dark side peek their ugly head through, and I have no choice but to confront them. But, I’ve built a toolbox throughout the years, filled it with tools that I have found useful for a variety of situations, and do some adjusting when necessary.

My toolbox consists not of tangible items, but attitude, perspective, gratitude, viewpoints, self-care, and persistence.

Attitude, Perspectives and Viewpoints

Each day brings a new opportunity to learn, teach, reflect and readjust. The best decision I’ve made is to surround myself with positive people, those whom inspire me to want to be the best person I can be.  I recently saw a meme on a social media site that said, “If you look at the people in your circle and you don’t get inspired, then you don’t have a circle, you have a cage.” Free yourself of that cage. Find a tribe of people who support and inspire each other. It won’t happen overnight, but they are there.

By literally changing my perspective and viewpoint, by hiking, it changed my entire life. I have more energy to face the day, the endorphins in my brain are fired up and other blood/body reactions are happening which lead to stress reduction. I’m also doing something I love, for me, so not only I benefit, but those around me. Watching the sunrise, being in nature, breathing fresh air all has a positive effect on me. You may get the same “high” doing something you love. Maybe that’s crocheting or sewing, or sitting alone on your patio in the morning with a cuppa your favorite beverage.

Gratitude

This is a repetitive theme in many of my blogs. That is because gratitude, in my opinion, changes everything, every day! My personal style is to begin and end each day with something I am grateful for. Some days I’ll rise in the morning and find it difficult to think of even one thing for which I am grateful. That’s okay. On those days I am just grateful to be breathing, and I get up and face that day.

Sometimes at the end of the day, it is even more challenging to find something that went good or right or positive. That’s okay; I’m still breathing. Some days that is enough. If I take the opportunity to look at the tough stuff that happened that day and find gratitude for it, and what it taught me, that can be life-changing. We can look at everything as a lesson, and an opportunity to ask ourselves how we could have done it differently. It helps change us into the person we wish we were.

My personal gratitude practice involves making a list of five things I am grateful for today. Some days that is easy, and other days I stare at a blank paper for what seems like an eternity. Maybe you had a great cup of coffee that day, or a friend texted just to say hi. All we need to think of is the little things, remembering that the little things really are the big things, and there is always something to be grateful for!

Self-Care

More recently I’ve added one more important tool to my toolbox; self-care. This I believe is the single most important tool we can add to that ever-growing toolbox. I’ve discovered if I care for myself, take time for myself, future, renew and refresh, I am more able to be there for those who need me. By involving myself in things that are relaxing, challenging, rewarding and meaningful, I am much more able to face any challenges that may present themselves. It helps me deal with the bad, ugly, and tough stuff; the stuff I refer to as reality.

When you care for yourself, you will likely become more pleasant, confident, and happy. You will benefit, but others around will benefit as well. My sister defines self-care as changing your focus. I like this description. So many women feel that if they care for themselves, they are being selfish. Changing your focus doesn’t feel selfish. So go ahead, and indulge is some self-care today!

Persistence

Just keep on keeping on or as Dory says, “Just keep swimming.”

When I first tried to navigate my way through how to deal with the every day, mundane stressors in live, as well as the unexpected, tougher ones it all became a little overwhelming. I tried all the things that are recommended–yoga, meditation, massages. Those are great things for some people, but not currently my style (I am a former massage therapist, heavily meditated, yoga lover so I’m not knocking these things at all). Persistence is what helped me find the place I belong in the world now.

Tools are replaceable and no one is going to make you keep any that don’t work for you. I have replaced my attitude, viewpoints and perspectives many times. The biggest change I made was my tribe. I will say there are very few people in that space right now, and I’m fine with that. I also went from having no gratitude practice to having a daily practice. Hiking found me, and I found I belong in nature, and am part of nature. In the future that could be replaced. But for now, it’s the one tool I can’t live without.

Whatever tools you decide to add to your supply, have fun with it!

With new perspective, Pam